Charlyn’s Web

KJ style.

How to stop a bike:

Pedal. Don’t coast. Pedal. Don’t gently apply brakes. Pedal. When you see that you need to stop throw both feet off of pedals so you couldn’t apply brakes even if you wanted. Take a hand off of the handle bars, so you can’t steer, and put it out straight. Crash. Cry about your skinned knee and hand. Refuse to listen to instructions.

How to eat:

If it is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich: take off top and lick off the jelly. Slowly eat what is left.

If it is a meat sandwich: take off top, eat cheese and meat. Complain about having to eat the bread.

If it is toast with jelly or honey on it: lick off sweet stuff first.

If it is a salad: pick out with your fingers the things that you like, croûtons, olives and sunflower seeds leaving the yucky stuff to choke down on it’s own. Chew a lot but don’t swallow. Take 40 years to finish.

How to Dress:

Always wear a dress. The more frills and froo froo the better. Pink is best. Purple will do. A skirt will suffice in a pinch. Don’t worry about the weather. Complain loudly that there is “nothing to wear” when no dresses are clean. If someone else should try to tell you what to wear- fight for your dignity.

How to annoy your Mother:

Whine. Don’t EVER use words if a good whine will suffice. Throw back your head, arch your back and let it loose. Use your throat. Use your nasal passages. If you don’t like what is going on keep up a constant whine. Make use of the ‘ka, ka, ka’ sound in your throat. Point but don’t actually say what you want. If you must use words make them as nasally and high pitched as you can.

The rest of the time? Be sweet and helpful.